- Here you are, Radar. - [Grunts]
Hey, mail call! Oh! Ohh!
Oh, come on, guys.
[All Clamoring, Overlapping] Radar. Come on, Radar.
[Radar] Come on, guys.
Come on.
Hey, hey, hey, a bonus!
My two girls, Hawk: Kathy and Becky.
"Dear Daddy: We hope you like these cookies.
- We made them ourselves. Nobody helped us." - I wish somebody had.
Wow. I can't believe it. How they've changed.
They must be a head taller, and where have I been?
You won a free trip to Korea. All the slop you can eat...
and this suite at the Waldorf Toilet.
From my sister and her ten dancing fingers.
For the man who has everything: A sweater with a guest room.
- Mail call, sir. - Oh, good-o.
"Regimental headquarters. For your eyes only. Top secret."
- Is it? - I didn't think so.
[Wolf Whistles]
"On your next leave in Tokyo, remember Madam Wank's Casa de Massage.
Special prices on back walking this month."
- Back walking, sir? - Yeah.
This girl takes her sandals off and walks on your bare back.
Ohh.
Hey, this is from my wife.
- Oh, yes, sir. - Oh, boy. I hope it's a cake.
Lorraine makes a sour cream and chocolate job that you could take intravenously.
She stirs in the sour cream with the melted chocolate.
The topping is about two inches of frosting, and that cake is as light as air.
With their bare feet?
She's kidding! Check stubs,
bank checks, canceled checks.
Twenty thousand miles from home, and she wants me to balance her checkbook.
Here's a vet bill. Two hundred and thirty-six dollars for treating a fifteen-year-old cat.
- What'd she do? Give it a face-lift? - Wow.
Look at those beauties.
I guess I'm boring when I talk about my kids, huh?
No, as a matter of fact, that's the only time you're not boring.
I knew you'd understand.
- Hi, Frank. - Hello, Frank.
That'll be the day.
- Had a letter from the little woman, Frank? - More important than that.
From my stockbrokers. Henderson, Landers and Flynn.
- I bet they'd fit in my sweater. - "Dear Major..." [Mumbles] "...inform you..." [Mumbles]
- [Continues Mumbling] - He got a letter written in "mumble."
- Hot-diggity-dog! - They're sending him his Captain Midnight ring.
You're looking at a man who is $2,000 richer than he was a month ago.
What happened, Frank? Did you die and leave yourself a lot of money?
Unlike some people, I don't waste my time drinking and chasing women.
We're thinking of chasing only drinking women. Eliminates one process.
Quiet, will ya? The man is trying to be dull.
Go ahead, Frank. Dull away.
All I wanted to say is that my stock portfolio has about doubled since the war started.
Which war, Frank? I've been in two. I just can't get enough.
I'm talking about the Korean Conflict, smarty.
If you had any brains, you'd know war always increases stock prices.
- He's right, you know. - Yeah? Then what happened to my 10,000 shares of Gestapo?
Ohh, I can't talk to you guys.
- Promise? - You're so dedicated, so noble.
- Wouldn't dirty your hands with money. - Are you "serial," Frank?
I come from a long line of money-grubbers.
My great-grandfather, Tombstone Pierce, made his fortune selling whiskey and hors d'oeuvres...
to the Indians.
Whiskey and hors d'oeuvres, Gracie?
- He always said, "What's a drink without a nosh?" - Aww.
Well, Franks Burns is gonna look out after number one.
- I'm not gonna be surgeon forever. - Or for that matter, ever.
Oh, go soak your head.
- I wish somebody would tear him down and put up a human being. - He's not worth the trouble.
No, no. I think he is. Matter of fact, I think he's ready for a little humility therapy.
If you will notice, I take pen and ink in hand,
and soon, gentle reader, Frank will discover a letter...
which may well change the course of his mean little life.
- How can you be sure he'll find it? - Quite simple. I'll hide it.
- [Rapid Knocking] - Who is it?
Major Burns. It's about that exploratory we mentioned earlier?
Just a minute, Major Burns.
Come in, Major Burns.
Margaret, I wanna talk to you.
- Talk to me, Frank. - I got a letter from home today.
I got something in mail call today too.
Oh, Margaret, your toe straighteners came.
Frank, sometimes you can be such a stupe.
I sent away for these sheer hose and these spike heels...
just to make myself more attractive to you.
You didn't have to do that. I'd find you attractive if you were naked.
Thanks a whole bunch, Frank.
- What's your news? - My investments are beginning to pay off.
Before long, my ship'll be coming into Easy Street.
- Mrs. Frank Burns. - Where?
- I was just trying it on for size. - Beg your pardon?
You always said, Frank, if ever you were rich enough, you would think about getting a divorce.
Now, hold it. Just a minute, fella.
Nobody said I was rich. I said I was doing well.
- What's the difference between rich and well, Frank? - Well, "well" is okay,
but to be rich, you've got to be a lot "weller" than only "well," no matter how swell "well" is.
Frank, you're double-talking. I can always tell. Your upper lip disappears.
Margaret, I swear to you, I'm not rich enough...
to afford a wife and an ex-wife.
That's a pity, Frank. You see, these shoes also come in clear plastic,
and you can see what each little toe is up to.
- Really, Margaret? - Really.
Just think, Frank. When the war is over, you can go back to your wife...
and her sensible shoes.
- [Blowing] - I'll get rich, I promise you.
I will, the first chance I get.
- Sir, Corporal Klinger wants to see you. - Oh, no. Not Klinger.
- Not today. - I think you should see him, sir. He's got a new dress.
[Sighs] Well, if he's fussed, okay.
Klinger?
Sir.
Klinger...
- Is that it? - Yes, sir.
Uh, Klinger, the rifle makes me nervous. Actually, the purse does too.
Just sit down. Take a load off your heels.
What's your problem? Which I may have tattooed on my forehead.
- I got this in mail call today, sir. - What is it?
It's a letter from my mother.
- "Dear Son..." - You obviously haven't sent her a recent picture.
"I hate to bother you in the middle of a war, but I have some terrible news.
"Your father is very sick.
[Exhales]
"If he knew I was writing to you, he'd be very angry.
Fortunately for us, he's in a coma."
- Klinger... - Sir, please.
"We know your colonel has a good heart, and surely he'll let you...
"come home for your father's funeral or his 65th birthday,
"whichever comes first.
"I will close this letter now, son of my heart, because my tears...
"are making the paper soggy and hard to write on.
Your loving, aggravated, brokenhearted mother."
Uh-huh.
Here you go. The father dying, right?
Yes, sir.
Father dying last year.
Mother dying last year.
Mother and father dying.
Mother, father and older sister dying.
Mother dying and older sister pregnant.
Older sister dying and mother pregnant.
Younger sister pregnant and older sister dying.
Here's an oldie, but a goodie.
Half of the family dying, other half pregnant.
Klinger, aren't you ashamed of yourself?
Yes, sir. I don't deserve to be in the army.
[Yawning]
[Pierce's Voice] Dear Dad. Thank Sis for the sweater she made me.
It's almost as nice as the socks she knitted, one of which I use as a sleeping bag.
On to more important things.
Senator Magid's stock tip about Pioneer Aviation sounds...
like the opportunity of a lifetime.
When Pioneer announces its new defense department contract,
a small investment could grow into millions.
[Whimpering]
Please sell all my assets and buy all the Pioneer stock you can.
At two dollars a share, it's a steal, especially as Senator Magid says...
it's sure to go as high as...
[Objects Clattering To Floor]
- Corporal? - Sir?
I want to make a stateside call. It's a New York number. Canal 7-9000.
Yes, sir. I'll get on it first thing tomorrow morning.
I don't want it first thing in the morning. I want it first thing now.
Uh, well, I can't get... reach them now, sir. I'll be calling them yesterday.
- That's ridiculous! - Oh, no, sir. They're 16 hours behind us.
Our today is their yesterday.
- It's 5:00 in the afternoon! - That's here, sir.
Back there, it's 1:00 yesterday morning. Everyone's gone to bed and said,
"See you tomorrow," which by the time their tomorrow comes, will be our yesterday.
- Isn't it 16 hours later there? - No, sir.
What if it is? When would it be "now" there if it was our today here?
You see, we don't have the same "now," sir. By the time their "now" becomes our "now,"
this'll be then.
Okay. I think I got a bead on it.
In order for me to talk to them at 9:00 in the morning their time,
what time does it have to be our "when"?
1:00 our tomorrow morning will get you 9:00 their today there, sir.
- Then that's what we'll do. - Sir, soon as I get a circuit. There's a two-day wait.
I can't wait two days! That'll be... three days ago!
Right.
Um, can you send a cable?
- Shoot, sir. - [Chuckles]
It's to Henderson, Landers and Flynn.
Prescott Building. Wall Street, New York.
- Okay. - Sell immediately entire portfolio...
at market, regardless of cost.
Use proceeds. Buy immediately all shares possible of...
Pioneer Aviation.
- Pioneer Avi... - Shh!
- And sign that "Major Frank Burns." - Yes, sir.
- And not a peep out of you about this, Radar. - Oh, yes, sir.
Here. This is for you.
- Thank you, sir. - You got 50 cents change?
- No, sir. - I'll give it to you later.
## [Off-Key Piano Playing]
- Trapper, don't you think that's quite enough? - Just one more chorus, Father.
- ## [Off-Key Playing Continues] - Is something troubling you, my son?
- I'm not Catholic, Father. - Well, all in good time,
which is more than we can say for your piano playing.
- ## [Stops] - Twenty thousand miles from home. Not to have them around.
Not to share their growing up.
Just wait, Father. Wait till you have children.
Well, l...
- I'm sure it'll all work out. - ## [Humming Along]
[Giggles]
- Hawkeye? - Huh?
- You got a second? - Yeah, for you, anytime.
- I need help with something that came in the mail call. - Oh?
Yeah. Uh, I wrote this letter to this girl, and she wrote right back.
Sounds serious, Radar.
I saw this ad in the Captain Marvel annual for pen pals.
I sent in a quarter, and they sent me the name and address of someone to write to.
Oh? Who is this two-bit friend of yours?
- Mary Jo Carpenter from Port Salut, Montana. - Very nice, Radar.
- A girl, right? - Oh, she's terrific.
Uh, listen.
"Dear Captain O'Reilly:
"Your first letter plus snapshot arrived this morning.
"I really got lucky. Six foot two, smooth black hair,
"terrific looker and a surgeon, to boot.
Boy, did I get my quarter's worth."
Six foot two?
- Black hair? - I got it out of your files.
Radar, why?
[Sighs]
Because I got brown hair, and I'm 2'6".
What's gonna happen if you ever run into this... this letter person?
I won't.
- "Now that we've exchanged..." - Wait. How are you gonna explain the difference in your looks?
Uh... Well, I'll tell her I got hurt in the war.
- Or I stepped on a mine. - With your face?
Look, we're just pen pals. Will you... Will you listen?
- [Mumbles Affirmatively] - [Clears Throat]
"Now that we've exchanged pictures and general info,
"I wish you would write me and let me know how you feel about things...
"and life, et cetera, et cetera.
"I feel very strongly about feelings.
"As soon as I get your feelings, I will send you mine.
- Mary Jo Carpenter." - Then what's the problem?
- Well, what are my feelings? - How should I know?
Well, wait... No. You gotta know. I mean, she wants to know my feelings,
and they've gotta sound like the kind that come out of the face I sent her the picture of.
Radar, you can't send her my feelings. You have to send her yours.
But I don't know what my feelings are. Nobody ever asked me my feelings before.
- You've got 'em, Radar. Everybody does. - I have?
Of course.
Can you give me a hint?
Are you in, sir?
No. No, Klinger. This is a film of me.
I died about a hundred dollars ago.
Sir, I'd like to talk to you about something.
- You wanna reenlist, right? - Sir,
I have to confess.
I'm a Communist, an atheistic, Marxist, card-carrying, uh...
- Bolshevik. - No, honest.
- You are not. - I am too, you imperialist dog.
Klinger, I've never hit a woman before.
Sir, what do I have to do to get out?
That's your problem, Klinger. I've got a desk full of my own. Out!
Just think of it, Margaret!
It could be a fortune, maybe even a million!
- A mmm-mmm-mmm... million! - Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm!
Oh, Frank, say "a million" again and then kiss me quick.
- Mmm-mmm... million! - Mmm-mmm! Oh, Margaret, you will have everything.
I'll cover you with furs, perfume, earrings. I'll buy you French handmade bloomers!
- [Shrieking Laugh] Oh, Frank! - I'm with you!
- Let's write her right now! - Who? - Your wife!
We can't write her now! We'd wake her up!
- What? - It's 16 hours earlier there.
If I write her today, I'll ruin her whole yesterday.
Frank, a millionaire can afford a wife and an ex-wife.
Don't you realize? If there's a divorce, she gets half of everything.
Frank, your lip is disappearing again.
Margaret, I've thought of everything.
You can have your own apartment, and we'll make it close to my office for lunchtimes.
I'll pay the rent and let's say, uh, a hundred dollars a month for an allowance.
I get 400 a month now as a major.
Margaret, I can't bid against the United States Army.
I mean, you'll have your own room and board and $25 a week clear.
- Now, if you would invest that in a Christmas club... - Get out, Frank.
Out?
- You and your Pioneer Aviation. - Shh! No one's supposed to know.
[Screaming] Pioneer Aviation! Pioneer Aviation!
Pioneer Aviation!
"Dear Mary Jo: Received your letter and read same.
"You asked me what my feelings are, and I believe what follows are those.
"Two things are number one with me.
"Being kind to everyone regardless of race, creed or sex,
"if you'll excuse that four-letter word.
"And also being honest. Speaking of which,
"I have to tell you, I'm really not a captain... only a corporal.
"And I am not a doctor, although I was once a patient.
"Am enclosing a more recent picture of me, which will give you a better idea...
"of the color of my hair and real length.
"I'll watch for your feelings by return mail.
Your pen pal, Radar O'Reilly."
It any good?
I dub thee 6'2".
Uh, was it something I said?
I'm gonna grab a jeep, drive to Seoul and catch the first plane home.
Right after they shoot you for desertion, you'll get a ticket for drunk driving.
You got eight rolls of toilet paper in there.
I don't wanna go home empty-handed.
I gotta see my daughters. Do you know how long it's been since I made love to my wife?
At least one daughter ago. Trap, leaving a war in the middle...
is very upsetting to those who invited us.
Listen. I don't like a movie, I get up and leave.
I don't like the war. I'm goin'.
Aw, come on, Trap. You gotta stick around and see how it ends.
Oh, but it doesn't end. It's continuous. When it finishes here, they take it on the road.
I can catch it anytime, anyplace.
Hey, let me buy you a drink.
You guys in blue, you're doin' a hell of a job.
- Trap, you'll never make it home. - Lots of guys do.
I know one guy shipped himself home in a harp case.
That took a lot of pluck.
See ya in the funny papers.
- Trap... - Hey, Hawk, get outta the way.
- I don't wanna use violence. - Then I will.
- Stop him, Frank! - Uh, hey, Frank, your message service called.
- Your brain won't be ready for a week. - Oh, buzz off.
- I can buy and sell you. - Oh, you're so smart.
- You got in on Pioneer Aviation. - I don't know anything about Pioneer Aviation.
- I never saw that letter. - What letter, Frank?
- The one I don't know anything about. - The one under the pillow?
- That's the one. - Read this, Trap.
You gotta be kiddin'. My eyes are in my duffel bag.
It's to his stockbroker. "Buy immediately all shares possible of Pioneer Aviation."
- What's so funny? - There is no Pioneer Aviation! I made it up!
- Why? - To help you look foolish!
I don't need your help.
Coming through.
- [Chattering] - [Pierce] I gotta get some more of those.
- You get that in? I can't see. - How's your head?
- Fine. If only this guy wouldn't bleed so loud. Clamp. - Clamp.
Kelly, we need some more sponges here.
[Gasping] Sponge.
Margaret, you must believe me. I'm truly sorry.
- [Margaret] Sponge, Doctor. - Margaret, I'll do anything.
I'll get down on my knees. I'll kiss your feet.
My tent. 8:00.
[Snickering]